Some days I really wish I didn’t care so much.
I mean, I have family and friends who I LOVE more than they seem to understand – but, for the most part, I don’t think they care… at least not as much I wish they did. I’m not saying they need to focus all their time an attention on me, but actions really do speak louder than words, and their actions don’t say “I love you.” Maybe I expect too much… Maybe I’m just whining. But it hurts when the people I care about most don’t really seem to care.
Want to know the silliest thing about all this? My biggest annoyance is with the people I bake for. Some days I seriously think some of my “friends” here only want me around cause I’ll provide them with food.They’ve even made comments about not coming to meetings and things unless I was baking. Now sure, maybe they were kidding – but I don’t want to be the baked goods provider. I am a person. I have feelings. It would be nice if someone baked brownies for me. It would be nice if someone invited me over for dinner – and didn’t require that I bring something. I want to be thought about and cared for just as much as everyone else.
So how much should I care? When do I get to the point where I set aside not-so-great relationships to find friends that really will care? And what do you do when it’s family? How do I get to a place where I’m not feeling completely alone? Cause I am constantly surrounded with people, but there’s no one that I can talk to… i mean really talk to. My closest friends are on the other side of the world, and conversations via texts and skype, although great, just aren’t the same as doing life with people.
Perhaps I just need to make different friends… So what should I look for in friends? How do I know who to invest my time in to? Especially here at Hillsong – where friendships change every few months… and where the majority of people are still figuring out who they really are. How am I to know? Maybe I still don’t know who I am and therefore don’t know what kind of friends I really want/need.
One thing’s for sure – I’m done baking for a while.
