I mean, I have family and friends who I LOVE more than they seem to understand – but, for the most part, I don’t think they care… at least not as much I wish they did. I’m not saying they need to focus all their time an attention on me, but actions really do speak louder than words, and their actions don’t say “I love you.” Maybe I expect too much… Maybe I’m just whining. But it hurts when the people I care about most don’t really seem to care.

Want to know the silliest thing about all this? My biggest annoyance is with the people I bake for. Some days I seriously think some of my “friends” here only want me around cause I’ll provide them with food.They’ve even made comments about not coming to meetings and things unless I was baking. Now sure, maybe they were kidding – but I don’t want to be the baked goods provider. I am a person. I have feelings. It would be nice if someone baked brownies for me. It would be nice if someone invited me over for dinner – and didn’t require that I bring something. I want to be thought about and cared for just as much as everyone else.

So how much should I care? When do I get to the point where I set aside not-so-great relationships to find friends that really will care? And what do you do when it’s family? How do I get to a place where I’m not feeling completely alone? Cause I am constantly surrounded with people, but there’s no one that I can talk to… i mean really talk to. My closest friends are on the other side of the world, and conversations via texts and skype, although great, just aren’t the same as doing life with people.

Perhaps I just need to make different friends… So what should I look for in friends? How do I know who to invest my time in to? Especially here at Hillsong – where friendships change every few months… and where the majority of people are still figuring out who they really are. How am I to know? Maybe I still don’t know who I am and therefore don’t know what kind of friends I really want/need.

One thing’s for sure – I’m done baking for a while.

I started re-reading Dwayne Roberts’ book One Thing… and he explains that verse in a way that hits me every time…

“The Lord appeared to Abraham in a vision and said, Don’t worry about a thing, Abraham. I am your shield, I am your source of provision, and I will personally protect you. I have promised you many things in this age and in the age to come… tremendous impact in the nations, favor before men, tremendous riches and honor, land, influence, and a legacy for generations. But let me make one thing clear to you, Abraham: I, Myself, am in a completely different category than all the other rewards I have promised you – I am your exceedingly great reward. There are many rewards, some of them are even great, but there is only ONE THING that is the exceedingly great reward.” (Emphasis mine)

I read that and it blows me away. How often do I find myself longing for other rewards? Other blessings? And those things aren’t bad – they may even be from God Himself. But they pale in comparison to the ridiculously awesome reward of God Himself. And when I think of how the God of the Universe – Elohim – actually wants me, pursues me… When I think of how the Saviour of the world – Yeshua – died the cruelest of deaths for me… All out of LOVE for me and you! And all He really wants is for us to realize how good He is, how much we not only need Him, but how much we WANT Him at the depths of who we are. We were created by and for Him. The depths of our souls long for Him. And yet we find ourselves consumed by the pursuits of this world. I constantly find myself longing for other things – hoping for fulfillment and contentment. Or even just pouring myself out for the Cause without allowing myself to first be filled by Him who sustains me. How long can I go on pouring without be refilled?

All I really know is that there have been times when my heart and mind have sought after the One Thing that matters (Ps. 27:4 if you would like to know), but I get side tracked… But nothing else satisfies, nothing else ever could. So I am re-learning how to love and be loved by my Exceedingly Great Reward. It’s a beautiful thing.

Sydney New S Wales, Australia‎

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1.

Head north on George St toward Angel Pl

go 0.4 km
total 0.4 km
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2.

Turn left at Grosvenor St

go 0.2 km
total 0.6 km
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3.

Slight left at Western Dstr
About 1 min

go 0.5 km
total 1.1 km
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4.

Continue on Bradfield Hwy
About 2 mins

go 1.7 km
total 2.8 km
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5.

Slight right to stay on Bradfield Hwy

go 0.2 km
total 3.0 km
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6.

Continue on Warringah Fwy
About 4 mins

go 4.7 km
total 7.7 km
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7.

Slight left at Gore Hill Fwy

go 1.0 km
total 8.7 km
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8.

Exit on the right onto Pacific Hwy
About 2 mins

go 0.6 km
total 9.3 km
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9.

Turn right to stay on Pacific Hwy
About 18 mins

go 13.6 km
total 22.8 km
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10.

Turn right to merge onto Sydney Newcastle Fwy
About 25 mins

go 36.8 km
total 59.7 km
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11.

Take the exit toward Peats Ridge Rd

go 0.5 km
total 60.2 km
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12.

Keep left at the fork to continue toward Peats Ridge Rd and merge onto Peats Ridge Rd
About 11 mins

go 14.1 km
total 74.4 km
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13.

Slight left at George Downes Dr
About 24 mins

go 30.0 km
total 104 km
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14.

Continue on Great North Rd
About 15 mins

go 19.6 km
total 124 km
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15.

Turn left to stay on Great North Rd
About 3 mins

go 3.7 km
total 128 km
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16.

Continue on Paynes Crossing Rd
About 9 mins

go 12.5 km
total 140 km
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17.

Turn left to stay on Paynes Crossing Rd
About 13 mins

go 17.1 km
total 157 km
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18.

Continue on Wollombi St
About 2 mins

go 1.7 km
total 159 km
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19.

Continue on Broke Mount Thorley Rd
About 10 mins

go 13.4 km
total 172 km
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20.

Turn right at Golden Hwy/Putty Rd
Continue to follow Putty Rd
About 9 mins

go 8.3 km
total 181 km
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21.

Continue on John St
About 2 mins

go 1.1 km
total 182 km
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22.

Turn right at Campbell St

go 0.2 km
total 182 km
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23.

Turn left to merge onto New England Hwy
About 58 mins

go 72.5 km
total 255 km
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24.

Slight left to stay on New England Hwy
Go through 1 roundabout
About 45 mins

go 59.9 km
total 314 km
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25.

Turn left at Kamilaroi Hwy
About 10 mins

go 14.4 km
total 329 km
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26.

Turn left to stay on Kamilaroi Hwy
Go through 2 roundabouts
About 2 hours 6 mins

go 174 km
total 503 km
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27.

At the roundabout, take the 3rd exit onto Newell Hwy
Go through 1 roundabout
About 5 mins

go 3.4 km
total 506 km
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28.

Turn left to stay on Newell Hwy
About 1 min

go 0.8 km
total 507 km
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29.

At the roundabout, take the 1st exit and stay on Newell Hwy
Go through 1 roundabout
About 1 hour 13 mins

go 101 km
total 608 km
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30.

Turn left at Mungindi Rd
About 13 mins

go 15.9 km
total 624 km
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31.

Continue on Boolooroo St
About 25 mins

go 33.2 km
total 657 km
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32.

Continue on Railway Pde

go 1.0 km
total 658 km
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33.

Railway Pde turns slightly left and becomes Carnarvon Hwy
About 52 mins

go 67.5 km
total 725 km
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34.

Continue on Yarouah St
About 2 mins

go 1.3 km
total 727 km
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35.

Turn left at George St
Entering Queensland
About 2 mins

go 1.3 km
total 728 km
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36.

Continue on Carnarvon Hwy
About 1 hour 20 mins

go 118 km
total 847 km
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37.

Turn left at Balonne Hwy
About 5 mins

go 5.2 km
total 852 km
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38.

Turn right at Mitchell St George Rd
About 2 hours 33 mins

go 202 km
total 1,054 km
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39.

Continue on Alice St
About 2 mins

go 1.3 km
total 1,055 km
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40.

Turn left at Warrego Hwy
About 2 mins

go 0.7 km
total 1,056 km
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41.

Turn left to stay on Warrego Hwy
About 1 hour 3 mins

go 92.0 km
total 1,148 km
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42.

Continue on Landsborough Hwy
About 4 hours 40 mins

go 414 km
total 1,562 km
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43.

Turn left to stay on Landsborough Hwy
Go through 2 roundabouts
About 3 hours 14 mins

go 284 km
total 1,846 km
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44.

Turn left to stay on Landsborough Hwy
About 3 hours 47 mins

go 335 km
total 2,181 km
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45.

Turn left at Flinders Hwy
About 12 mins

go 14.7 km
total 2,196 km
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46.

Continue on Barkly Hwy
Entering Northern Territory
About 8 hours 37 mins

go 755 km
total 2,951 km
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47.

Turn right at Stuart Hwy
About 11 hours 25 mins

go 962 km
total 3,914 km
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48.

Turn right at Goyder Rd
About 1 min

go 0.4 km
total 3,914 km
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49.

Turn left at Gilruth Ave
About 3 mins

go 1.8 km
total 3,916 km
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50.

Turn right at Lambell Tce

go 7 m
total 3,916 km
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51.

Continue on Kahlin Ave

go 0.3 km
total 3,916 km
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52.

Turn right at Myilly Tce
About 1 min

go 0.4 km
total 3,917 km
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53.

Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Japan
About 17 days 8 hours

go 5,404 km
total 9,321 km
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54.

Continue straight
About 5 mins

go 0.9 km
total 9,321 km
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55.

Turn right toward 国道384号線
About 1 min

go 0.4 km
total 9,322 km
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56.

Slight right at 国道384号線
About 8 mins

go 4.2 km
total 9,326 km
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57.

Slight right at 県道164号線
About 19 mins

go 8.0 km
total 9,334 km
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58.

Slight right at 県道31号線
About 2 mins

go 0.7 km
total 9,335 km
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59.

Turn right at 県道27号線
About 23 mins

go 11.2 km
total 9,346 km
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60.

Slight right at 馬責馬場（交差点） onto 国道384号線
About 6 mins

go 2.5 km
total 9,348 km
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61.

Turn left

go 74 m
total 9,349 km
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62.

Turn left
About 2 mins

go 0.3 km
total 9,349 km
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63.

Take the 長崎~奈良尾~奈留島~福江 ferry
Toll road
About 3 hours 37 mins

go 97.8 km
total 9,447 km
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64.

Continue straight
About 2 mins

go 0.4 km
total 9,447 km
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65.

Turn right at 県道112号線

go 0.1 km
total 9,447 km
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66.

Turn left to stay on 県道112号線

go 0.1 km
total 9,447 km
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67.

Turn right at 大波止（交差点） onto 国道499号線/大波止通り
Continue to follow 国道499号線
About 2 mins

go 0.6 km
total 9,448 km
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68.

Slight left to merge onto ながさき出島道路/国道324号バイパス
Toll road
About 5 mins

go 3.2 km
total 9,451 km
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69.

Take the ramp to 長崎自動車道
Toll road

go 69 m
total 9,451 km
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70.

Keep left at the fork, follow signs for 長崎自動車道入口 and merge onto 長崎自動車道
Toll road
About 1 hour 30 mins

go 120 km
total 9,571 km
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71.

Take exit 鳥栖ＪＣＴ toward 九州道・福岡
Toll road

go 1.0 km
total 9,572 km
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72.

Merge onto 九州自動車道
Toll road
About 1 hour 12 mins

go 95.3 km
total 9,668 km
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73.

Continue on 関門橋
Toll road
About 7 mins

go 9.2 km
total 9,677 km
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74.

Continue on 中国自動車道
Toll road
About 48 mins

go 64.6 km
total 9,741 km
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75.

Take exit 山口ＪＣＴ toward 山陽道・広島・大阪
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.3 km
total 9,743 km
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76.

Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road
About 1 hour 11 mins

go 94.9 km
total 9,838 km
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77.

Take exit 有料道路大竹ＩＣ to merge onto 広島岩国道路
Toll road
About 14 mins

go 12.6 km
total 9,850 km
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78.

Take the ramp on the right to 山陽道・広島・大阪
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.1 km
total 9,851 km
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79.

Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road
About 3 hours 52 mins

go 309 km
total 10,161 km
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80.

Take exit 神戸ＪＣＴ toward 中国道・西宮北・大阪
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.2 km
total 10,162 km
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81.

Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road
About 23 mins

go 30.1 km
total 10,192 km
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82.

Take exit 吹田ＪＣＴ on the right toward 名神・京都
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.2 km
total 10,193 km
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83.

Merge onto 名神高速道路
Toll road
About 37 mins

go 49.0 km
total 10,242 km
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84.

Take exit 草津ＪＣＴ toward 新名神・東名阪・草津田上・名古屋
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.3 km
total 10,244 km
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85.

Merge onto 新名神高速道路
Toll road
About 37 mins

go 49.7 km
total 10,293 km
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86.

Take exit 亀山ＪＣＴ toward 東名阪道・伊勢湾岸道・鈴鹿・名古屋・豊田
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.1 km
total 10,294 km
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87.

Merge onto 東名阪自動車道
Toll road
About 17 mins

go 22.0 km
total 10,316 km
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88.

Take exit 四日市ＪＣＴ toward 伊勢湾岸道・豊田
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.2 km
total 10,318 km
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89.

Merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road
About 13 mins

go 17.6 km
total 10,335 km
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90.

Take exit 高速飛島ＩＣ to merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道/名港トリトン
Continue to follow 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road
About 27 mins

go 32.1 km
total 10,367 km
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91.

Take exit 豊田ＪＣＴ toward 東名・名古屋・静岡
Toll road

go 0.4 km
total 10,368 km
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92.

Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 東名・岡崎・静岡 and merge onto 東名高速道路
Toll road
About 3 hours 48 mins

go 303 km
total 10,671 km
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93.

Continue on 首都高速3号渋谷線 (signs for 首都高速)
Toll road
About 12 mins

go 12.1 km
total 10,683 km
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94.

Take exit 谷町ＪＣＴ toward 北池袋・霞が関
Toll road

go 0.4 km
total 10,684 km
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95.

Merge onto 首都高速都心環状線
Toll road
About 6 mins

go 6.0 km
total 10,690 km
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96.

Take exit 江戸橋ＪＣＴ toward 向島・湾岸線・箱崎
Toll road

go 0.7 km
total 10,690 km
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97.

Merge onto 首都高速6号向島線
Toll road
About 9 mins

go 8.7 km
total 10,699 km
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98.

Take exit 堀切ＪＣＴ toward 大宮・東北道・三郷
Toll road

go 0.5 km
total 10,700 km
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99.

Merge onto 首都高速中央環状線
Toll road

go 0.7 km
total 10,700 km
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100.

Take exit 小菅ＪＣＴ on the right toward 常磐道・三郷
Toll road

go 0.6 km
total 10,701 km
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101.

Merge onto 首都高速6号三郷線
Toll road
About 9 mins

go 9.4 km
total 10,710 km
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102.

Take exit 三郷ＪＣＴ toward 常磐道・水戸
Toll road
About 1 min

go 1.1 km
total 10,711 km
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103.

Merge onto 常磐自動車道
Toll road
About 28 mins

go 37.7 km
total 10,749 km
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104.

Take exit 高速桜土浦ＩＣ toward 国道354号線
Toll road

go 0.9 km
total 10,750 km
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105.

Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 土浦・霞ヶ浦 and merge onto 国道354号線
Partial toll road
About 3 mins

go 2.1 km
total 10,752 km
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106.

Turn left at 中村陸橋下（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線
About 5 mins

go 3.3 km
total 10,755 km
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107.

Slight left at 千束町（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線
About 2 mins

go 0.6 km
total 10,756 km
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108.

Turn right at 亀城公園北（交差点） onto 国道125号線
About 2 mins

go 0.7 km
total 10,757 km
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109.

Turn left at 県道263号線
About 3 mins

go 1.0 km
total 10,757 km
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110.

Turn left
About 1 min

go 0.3 km
total 10,758 km
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111.

Turn right
About 4 mins

go 0.3 km
total 10,758 km
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112.

Turn right

go 56 m
total 10,758 km
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113.

Turn left
About 5 mins

go 0.4 km
total 10,759 km
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114.

Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering United States (Hawaii)
About 20 days 0 hours

go 6,243 km
total 17,001 km
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115.

Turn right at Kalakaua Ave
About 2 mins

go 0.5 km
total 17,002 km
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116.

Turn left at Kapahulu Ave
About 4 mins

go 2.4 km
total 17,004 km
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117.

Slight left to stay on Kapahulu Ave

go 74 m
total 17,004 km
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118.

Continue on Waialae Ave
About 1 min

go 0.4 km
total 17,005 km
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119.

Slight right to merge onto I-H1 W
About 7 mins

go 8.5 km
total 17,013 km
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120.

Slight left at I-H201 W (signs for Aiea/I-H201)
About 5 mins

go 6.3 km
total 17,020 km
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121.

Take the I-H1/I-1 exit toward Pearl City
About 1 min

go 1.3 km
total 17,021 km
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122.

Merge onto I-H1 W
About 4 mins

go 6.5 km
total 17,027 km
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123.

Take exit 8A to merge onto I-H2 N toward Wahiawa/Mililani
About 9 mins

go 12.8 km
total 17,040 km
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124.

Take exit 8 toward Wahiawa

go 0.3 km
total 17,041 km
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125.

Merge onto HI-80/HI-99/Kamehameha Hwy
Continue to follow Kamehameha Hwy
About 13 mins

go 13.7 km
total 17,054 km
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126.

Continue on Joseph P Leong Hwy
About 3 mins

go 3.2 km
total 17,057 km
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127.

Continue on HI-83/Kamehameha Hwy
About 17 mins

go 16.7 km
total 17,074 km
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128.

Turn left at Kuilima Dr
About 3 mins

go 0.8 km
total 17,075 km
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129.

Turn right at Turtle Bay Hilton

go 0.2 km
total 17,075 km
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130.

Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Washington
About 14 days 5 hours

go 4,436 km
total 21,511 km
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131.

Sharp right at N Northlake Way
About 3 mins

go 1.9 km
total 21,513 km
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132.

Continue on NE Pacific St
About 2 mins

go 1.3 km
total 21,514 km
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133.

Slight right at Montlake Blvd NE/WA-513
About 1 min

go 0.4 km
total 21,515 km
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134.

Merge onto WA-520 W via the ramp to I-5/Portland
About 1 min

go 1.0 km
total 21,516 km
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135.

Take the exit onto I-5 S toward Portland
About 4 mins

go 5.7 km
total 21,521 km
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136.

Take the exit on the left onto I-5 S
Passing through Oregon
Entering California
About 15 hours 54 mins

go 1,688 km
total 23,209 km
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137.

Take the exit on the left onto I-5 S
About 2 hours 44 mins

go 272 km
total 23,481 km
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138.

Take exit 52 for Oceanside Blvd

go 0.5 km
total 23,481 km
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139.

Turn right at Oceanside Blvd
About 1 min

go 0.9 km
total 23,482 km
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Oceanside, CA‎

I have a friend (and no, this is one of those things where I say it’s “friend” but really mean myself)… Anywho, I have a friend, let’s call her Roxy, who likes this guy, and at one point he liked her. But they are both in first year at HILC (which = no dating). So Roxy is trying to build a healthy, God-centered friendship with this guy. He has numerously expressed interest in growing the friendship, but he is suddenly acting like a jerk – not responding to her texts, consistently avoiding and/or ending conversations abruptly. And just altogether making her feel like crap.

So what’s the deal? Why can’t guys and girls build friendships without it getting awkward? Just because someone might be attracted to the other one doesn’t mean they are planning the wedding in their heads. It may simply mean they enjoy that person’s company.

So, I’m trying to learn how to have healthy friendships with my male friends here in Oz. There aren’t many that I really feel comfortable enough pursuing a friendship with, but I’m hoping that the guys I do pursue as friends understand where I’m coming from, and that things don’t get awkward. I’d hate to walk around doing the “awkward turtle” all the time…

One of the biggest things happening is that He has been opening up my eyes to see who I am and why – the good and the bad. And I believe He wants to free me of one of the things that has shaped my life in mostly negative ways.

If you’ve met me, you may have noticed that there is something physically different about me. I was born with an abnormally large, purple bottom lip. It’s technically called a “hemangioma” but I just call it my birthmark. And even though it is most noticeable on my lip, it is also on my chin and my tongue. When I was four, my parents drove us from southern Texas to Redondo Beach, California so that I could have my first laser procedure performed in hopes of getting rid of the deformity so that I could maybe look like a normal child. I ended up having surgical procedures done every couple of years from the time I was four till I was eighteen.

Now, please understand that I know my parents love me, and I know that they simply wanted to give me a hope of normalcy. And I don’t blame them. I would have done the same.

But… because of all this I have never believed that I was beautiful. Inside or out. I have always believed that because of this birthmark, I would have to excel in every other possible way in order for someone to love me. I think in the movie Beauty and the Beast, Belle says something along the lines of, “How can I ever love a monster?” (I’m not the best movie-quoter) That’s how I’ve viewed myself for the last twenty-something years – as a monster. I hear people talk to hurting women, telling them how beautiful they are – but in my head (and heart), I am always the exception. Everyone else has a beauty to unfold, but I will always have this… thing.

*Let me say here that I am not writing this in order to get sympathy, but more so that I can get freedom by living and walking in the Light of Truth. I just need to be honest (mostly with myself) about why I am the way I am.*

So, I have let my circumstances keep me from the Truth. And I still am struggling with the lies of the Enemy. I haven’t overcome this yet – key word: yet.

I believe Yahweh wants to bring healing and freedom to me. I believe He wants to show me the beauty in how He created me. I can’t even comprehend what that freedom will look like or how I will feel when the healing comes… but it’s coming. I want to believe that my worth isn’t found in my physical beauty (or lack thereof), I want to believe that my birthmark gives me a unique beauty instead of making me into an unlovable monster. I want to be ok with having this thing on my face.

BUT – I have also been feeling like Yahweh Rophe (The LORD who Heals) has been challenging me to seek supernatural healing of my birthmark. Even writing that sounds crazy to me. I’ve never really thought about asking Yahweh to remove my birthmark. And honestly, right now I don’t have the faith to do it. But I believe it’s where He’s leading me. I believe He wants me to get to a place where I surrender everything to Him – even my beauty – even my deformity. I don’t know if Yahweh will actually take it away, but I want to at least be willing to give Him the chance. I want to trust that He knows what I need to live in His freedom.

So I am seeking Him. I want to see myself the way He sees me.

I love Hosea 2:14-15

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt. (emphasis mine)

One thing I have found interesting is how Yahweh took the thing that makes me the most self-conscious (my mouth) and uses it to bring glory to His Name. If you didn’t know, I am a singer. Singing is what I love to do more than anything else. And I know that it is something Yahweh has given me to use for His glory for as long as He enables me. It is a spectacular thing how He takes people’s weaknesses and uses them to bring Him honour.

So, Yahweh, I ask that You would come – that You would continue to allure me, to lead me into the desert. I want to be free from my own form of Egypt. And I long to sing to You out of  love, devotion, and adoration.

I love You, Yahweh. I am Yours

Oh, well… It has finally happened… I, Fallon Renae Moore, have started a blog. I’m not really sure what I think about this whole thing, but I know that God has already given me things to think about, talk about, wrestle with… and you (should you decide to read this ever again) get to be a part of the discussion. So congrats to you!

I’m not sure what I’ll be blogging about, or how often I’ll be blogging…. but feel free to ask me anything… If I don’t want to answer… I won’t

May we bless and be blessed!